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Yesterday was actually a pretty good day...I'm suprised.  I rarely have those, so I enjoy them while they're here.  I've cut my cals for the last 2 days and feel so much better mentally...like I'm regaining my control and willpower and soon I'll be closer to accomplishing my goal.  I'm so uncomfortable in my skin right now, which sucks bc summer is almost here.  I don't want to wear sweats all summer.  I always completely cover my body when I go out like I'm some celebrity hiding from the media.  Every time ppl look at me I freak out and get so offended bc I think they're staring and judging.  It makes it hard for me to go out, so I stay in to avoid the anxiety.  I only leave my house 1-2 times a week, if that, and only when absolutely nescessary.  I worked out yesterday, thank God.  I've been taking time off bc I'm over-training...4-8 hours a day isn't changing my body, so I had to "shock" it.  Not training sucked...it made me feel like crap and really put me on edge.  I hate not being able to work out.  I don't just do it to maintain my body...it's my way of relieving stress/anxiety.  Some ppl turn to alcohol or drugs or gambling...I turn to food and exercise.  Honestly, I don't want the anxiety to stop.  It's a double-edged sword.  If it stops, I'll feel so much better and I can stop being a slave to this lifestyle, but if I don't panic anymore, I will have no drive to be small.  I wonder a lot if I'll every be able to have a "real" life.  I don't think I'll ever get married...guys can't handle someone with a severe ED.  I guess I don't blame them.  It's like everyone in the world wants to help, and they have all these suggestions, and the solution seems so simple to them...and even you want help, but you can't take it bc something always holds you back and it always stems from fear.  It's like you always have 2 ppl inside your head...the sane one and the evil ED one.  No matter how hard you try, you can never get rid of the ED thoughts...it's like a ticking time bomb, just waiting to explode again.  I don't think I'll ever have kids, which is so very sad bc I love kids.  I don't think I'll be able to handle being pregnant and losing my body, I think if I starve myself while I'm pregnant or over-exercise, I'll hurt my baby, and what am I supposed to do when they're little and we all sit down to eat?  I don't want to pass my ED thoughts onto my child.  I don't want them to see how unstable and sad I am.  I get so angry with myself for caring so much what my body looks like.  Who gives a damn?  I mean, one day we're all gona be old and wrinkled, possibly fat...do we want to be alone too?  I look at other girls who aren't super thin and I think they're so gorgeous.  I don't know how they do it...some are size 4,6,8...maybe even a 10.  But they're gorgeous, gorgeous girls...and they have gorgeous Boyfriends.  I don't think a guy would ever stay with me if I'm not perfect.  I wish I could be comfortable in my own skin like that.  Before I lost all my weight, I used to think I was gorgeous, and ppl would tell me that all the time.  I don't know why I can't make this stop.  Everyone thinks I need to gain weight, but I just don't see it.  Blah.  I don't think I'll ever get it together.  I wonder a lot, if I'll be living with my parents forever.  Who knows.

May. 9th, 2008

 
Hi everyone...I'm new to this site...I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say, but I've struggled with my ED for over 7 years.  I've been in and out of therapy, but I HATE going, and listening to other people instead of myself always backfires.  Part of me wants my life back and wants to be happy again, but a stonger, bigger part won't let me bc I know being happy means gaining weight.  The discipline and committment it takes to lose weight, exercise endless hours, constantly turn away food you desperately want, avoid ppl and rltnshps bc they only get in the way of what you're trying to accomplish, is exhausting and sad.  It's like no matter how hard I try, I can't make it stop.  It will always win.  Every time I decide maybe I'm just too miserable, and I'm wasting my life, I go back into therapy, desperately hoping and wishing that I can be "normal"-eat like a normal person, not count cals, not panic, not obsess, have a job, go to school, have friends and a rltnshp-I realize once I start gaining weight that I will never be "normal" and I have to accept that this is the life I've chosen and this is the sacrifice I have to make.  Everyone in life makes sacrifices for what they want, so how is this any different?   I'm so jealous when I see girls sitting down to a meal or eating McDonald's or ice cream or candy.  I can't even eat fruit bc I'm afraid of the sugar and the effects of the insulin triggering weight gain.  I haven't been out to eat in over 5 years.  I REFUSE to eat anything prepared by anyone else.  I'm almost 24 yrs old and I wear a size 8-10 in girls, yet it's still not enough.  Everyone says I look too thin, but they don't see me naked.  My thighs are huge.  I've never had a problem with my stomach or upper body, but my thighs look like they don't belong on my body.  It's depressing and extremely frustrating.  I spend 4-8 hours a day working out in a sauna suit with a weighted vest and wrist and ankle weights...until I either pass out or can't move anymore.  I take diuertics and laxatives religiously...and am on supplements that do WONDERS for me.  I only hang out with fitness competitors, personal trainers, and bodybuilders from the gym, so I know all the tricks and all the good stuff!).  When I decide to diet down, I can usually lose 23 lbs in 3.5 weeks.  I should be scared bc my liver and kidneys are failing and I've been having heart trouble recently, but even that can't stop me.  I wish I could go back to the day it started and make it go away.  I don't know when this obsession took over my life and changed who I was.  I think a lot about how I'm almost 24 and I've wasted so much of my life that I will never be able to get back.  I keep telling myself every day that I'll call a friend, or i'll go hang out w/someone today, but I can never bring myself to do it.  No one can get in the way of my attempts to lose weight.  I don't think I'll ever be happy.  I'm so sick that I'm now on disability from the state.  I'm no longer independent.  I can't take care of myself.  I'm wasting away.

:-(

Hi everyone...I'm new to this site...I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say, but I've struggled with my ED for over 7 years.  I've been in and out of therapy, but I HATE going, and listening to other people instead of myself always backfires.  Part of me wants my life back and wants to be happy again, but a stonger, bigger part won't let me bc I know being happy means gaining weight.  The discipline and committment it takes to lose weight, exercise endless hours, constantly turn away food you desperately want, avoid ppl and rltnshps bc they only get in the way of what you're trying to accomplish, is exhausting and sad.  It's like no matter how hard I try, I can't make it stop.  It will always win.  Every time I decide maybe I'm just too miserable, and I'm wasting my life, I go back into therapy, desperately hoping and wishing that I can be "normal"-eat like a normal person, not count cals, not panic, not obsess, have a job, go to school, have friends and a rltnshp-I realize once I start gaining weight that I will never be "normal" and I have to accept that this is the life I've chosen and this is the sacrifice I have to make.  Everyone in life makes sacrifices for what they want, so how is this any different?   I'm so jealous when I see girls sitting down to a meal or eating McDonald's or ice cream or candy.  I can't even eat fruit bc I'm afraid of the sugar and the effects of the insulin triggering weight gain.  I haven't been out to eat in over 5 years.  I REFUSE to eat anything prepared by anyone else.  I'm almost 24 yrs old and I wear a size 8-10 in girls, yet it's still not enough.  Everyone says I look too thin, but they don't see me naked.  My thighs are huge.  I've never had a problem with my stomach or upper body, but my thighs look like they don't belong on my body.  It's depressing and extremely frustrating.  I spend 4-8 hours a day working out in a sauna suit with a weighted vest and wrist and ankle weights...until I either pass out or can't move anymore.  I take diuertics and laxatives religiously...and am on supplements that do WONDERS for me.  I only hang out with fitness competitors, personal trainers, and bodybuilders from the gym, so I know all the tricks and all the good stuff!).  When I decide to diet down, I can usually lose 23 lbs in 3.5 weeks.  I should be scared bc my liver and kidneys are failing and I've been having heart trouble recently, but even that can't stop me.  I wish I could go back to the day it started and make it go away.  I don't know when this obsession took over my life and changed who I was.  I think a lot about how I'm almost 24 and I've wasted so much of my life that I will never be able to get back.  I keep telling myself every day that I'll call a friend, or i'll go hang out w/someone today, but I can never bring myself to do it.  No one can get in the way of my attempts to lose weight.  I don't think I'll ever be happy.  I'm so sick that I'm now on disability from the state.  I'm no longer independent.  I can't take care of myself.  I'm wasting away.

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